When Sobriety Looks Like a “Dry Drunk”
One of the most confusing things for partners is this:
“He’s not drinking anymore, but nothing has really changed.”
Welcome to the concept of the Dry Drunk—a term coined in the recovery world to describe someone who has stopped using alcohol but hasn’t done the inner work of healing.
The Dry Drunk is:
- Blaming others for their problems
- Emotionally unavailable or unpredictable
- Still controlling, angry, or dismissive
- Resistant to therapy or support groups
- Reluctant to make amends or repair damage
In essence, the dysfunction continues—it’s just sober now.
And that can be even more maddening, because you no longer have “the drink” to blame. You start wondering if you’re the problem. You’re not. You’re seeing reality.
A person in true recovery is learning to take responsibility, be present, listen, and change. They don’t just apologise—they make amends. They don’t just say they’ve changed—they show it, consistently, over time.
Letting Go: The Most Painful and Powerful Step
For many women in our Rebuild Your Life circle, the real battle isn’t with the partner—it’s with the part of themselves that doesn’t want to let go.
And that makes sense. Letting go isn’t just about this relationship; it often opens a wound that runs much deeper, harking back to childhood when you were neglected, overlooked, or made to feel invisible. Your longing for love, safety, and connection—never fully met—gets projected onto your partner.
Detaching from or even leaving them can feel like abandoning your inner child.
But here’s the healing truth: You’re not abandoning her—you’re finally choosing her.
You are becoming the protector, the mother, the safe haven you have always needed. That’s what true recovery looks like. And when you do that, everything changes.
Coming Soon: There Is Life Beyond Divorce
If you’ve left—or are thinking about it—you may wonder: What now?
In future blog posts, I’ll explore the messy, beautiful, gut-wrenching, and glorious terrain of what comes after the ending: the life beyond divorce.
We’ll explore:
- The stages of letting go
- The grief that comes in waves
- The inner critic that screams “failure”
- The reawakening of your true self
- And yes, the breathtaking freedom on the other side
Leaving is not the end. It’s a threshold. And crossing it, for many women, is the beginning of their most honest, healed, and liberated chapter.
Your Life Is Worth Recovering
I want to leave you with this:
Recovery is not about fixing them.
It’s about finding you.
It’s not about becoming the perfect partner or staying loyal to a broken system.
It is about choosing to live in truth, no matter how long you stayed in the lie.
You’re not selfish for wanting peace.
>You are not weak for walking away.
>You absolutely are not unlovable because someone else couldn’t show up for you.
You are worthy. You’re healing. You are on the path.
And if no one has told you lately, let me say it with all my heart:
You are not alone.
With love, faith, and fierce support,
Grace
Join the conversation in our private Rebuild Your Life Facebook group.
Or, if you’re ready to be guided more deeply, ask about our coaching circle for women reclaiming their lives after toxic love.
Wondering what to read next? Why not try the Beyond Surviving Life with an Alcoholic Partner series below or check out my e-book!
1. BEYOND SURVIVING LIFE WITH AN ALCOHOLIC PARTNER – Part 1
2. BEYOND SURVIVING LIFE WITH AN ALCOHOLIC PARTNER – Part 2
3. BEYOND SURVIVING LIFE WITH AN ALCOHOLIC PARTNER – Part 3