Last week, I had the privilege of attending a conference where my long-term mentors and teachers, relationship researchers and experts in the field, Drs. John and Julie Gottman spoke about one of the most challenging moments a couple can face—infidelity—and how to navigate the process of rupture and repair in a relationship. I thought I’d share it with you.
For many couples, the betrayal of infidelity feels like an irreparable break. Still, the Gottmans offered a roadmap that can help couples heal from the pain and rebuild their relationship on a firmer foundation.
Infidelity is often viewed as a relationship-ending event, but according to the Gottmans, it doesn’t have to be.
Couples can emerge from this challenging period with a deeper emotional connection if they are dedicated, honest, and take a structured approach to healing.
Based on their extensive research, the Gottmans have outlined three phases of recovery that offer a clear path to healing and rebuilding trust after an affair: Atone, Attune, and Attach.
For those of you who are navigating this painful terrain, I want to share what I learned from the conference and explain how these three phases can guide you and your partner through the process of rupture and repair toward a healthier, more resilient relationship.
Phase 1: Atone – Rebuilding Trust
The first phase in the healing process after infidelity is atonement. This phase is all about rebuilding trust, which the betrayal has shattered. The unfaithful partner must take full responsibility for their actions, and both partners must work toward repairing the emotional rupture caused by the affair.
During this phase, the unfaithful partner’s goal is to acknowledge the pain they’ve caused and demonstrate genuine remorse. This isn’t just about saying “I’m sorry” but understanding the depth of the hurt and being willing to listen to the betrayed partner’s emotions.
The Gottmans emphasised that the unfaithful partner needs to be fully transparent and patient, allowing the betrayed partner to ask questions, express their anger, and share their feelings of loss and betrayal.
Rebuilding trust in this phase requires transparency and openness.
For some couples, this might mean checking in more often or providing reassurance about their whereabouts and activities. While this can feel uncomfortable or even invasive, it’s usually necessary in the early stages of healing to help the betrayed partner feel safe again.
As tricky as this phase may be, the Gottmans reminded us that validating the hurt and creating space for emotional expression is critical for the healing process to begin. With this foundation of honesty and empathy, moving forward is possible. I usually use this phase to bring some stability back into the marriage. I encourage three months of following and committing to therapeutic coaching. Link.
Phase 2: Attune – Reconnection
Once the situation has stabilised, we move to the next phase, attunement, which is rebuilding emotional intimacy and connection.
This phase is about moving beyond the affair to understand why it happened and how to prevent a similar rupture in the future.
Attunement is a skill to be learned. It involves learning to communicate openly and empathically. Infidelity usually happens when a couple has become emotionally disconnected, and they didn’t notice.
The Gottmans emphasise that couples need to explore what was missing in the relationship before the affair occurred.
Was there a lack of emotional connection?
Were there unmet needs that led to resentment or disconnection?
Both partners must understand what went wrong in the relationship’s emotional landscape.
During this phase, couples are encouraged to:
- Identify relationship vulnerabilities: What gaps may have contributed to emotional distance existed?
Explore the vulnerabilities that contributed to the affair.
- Improve communication: Daily Temperature Reading
Weekly Business Meeting
Couples learn to discuss complex topics without blame or defensiveness. The Gottmans recommend using a “softened startup” when bringing up sensitive subjects, which involves approaching the conversation gently rather than accusing the other person. Practice empathy: Both partners must strive to see the situation from the other’s perspective and work toward understanding each other’s emotional experiences.
In this phase, the couple begins to rebuild emotional intimacy, which often requires vulnerability and honesty. Both partners need to share their fears, needs, and desires. Reconnecting emotionally after infidelity can feel risky, but it’s essential for creating a relationship that is deeper and more resilient than before.
As challenging as this phase can be, it’s also a turning point. The Gottmans explained that this is where couples often rediscover their emotional connection and reframe their relationship, understanding that both partners have a role in maintaining that bond.
Phase 3: Attach – Rebuilding Connection and Intimacy
The final phase in the Gottman Method’s recovery process is attachment, where couples focus on creating a new relationship based on trust, emotional connection, and intimacy. This is where the couple rebuilds not only their emotional bond but also their physical intimacy.
After addressing the emotional issues that led to the affair, couples can work on creating connection rituals that strengthen their relationship. Whether it’s spending quality time together, maintaining a weekly date night, or simply checking in with each other throughout the day, these rituals are essential for fostering ongoing connection and intimacy.
Physical intimacy is also a critical part of this phase. For many couples, it’s difficult to rebuild sexual intimacy after an affair, as it’s often tied to feelings of betrayal. The Gottmans recommend taking time to re-establish emotional trust before jumping back into physical intimacy. When both partners feel emotionally safe, they can slowly explore physical closeness, using touch and affection to deepen their bond.
Develop a future vision reflecting a stronger, more resilient relationship.
This phase is all about building a new life together. The old relationship, with its vulnerabilities and disconnections, is in the past. What emerges is a new relationship, one built on more profound understanding, emotional closeness, and renewed trust.
A Clear Path to Healing
Hearing the Gottmans speak about infidelity and how couples can recover from such a profound rupture was incredibly inspiring. Their approach—Atone, Attune, Attach—is not about sweeping the affair under the rug or pretending it never happened. Instead, it’s about confronting the pain head-on, healing together, and using that process to create a stronger and more connected relationship than ever before.
It’s important to remember that healing takes time and isn’t easy. But there is hope for couples committed to working through the betrayal. The Gottmans’ research shows that with the right tools and guidance, couples can not only heal from infidelity but also emerge from the experience with a more secure, intimate, and fulfilling relationship.
If you and your partner are struggling after an episode of infidelity, consider seeking the help of a Gottman-trained therapist or working through these phases together. Infidelity doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship—it can be the beginning of something new, something more profound.
The road to healing is challenging, but the path is clear. By atoning, attuning, and attaching, you can rebuild your relationship more vitally than ever.