It’s Not About the Dishes
When I was diagnosed with ADHD in my seventies, a great many things suddenly made sense. Looking back over the decades of my marriage, there was one particular pattern that stood out.
My husband would ask me to do something perfectly reasonable.
“Could you put the bins out?”
“Would you mind making that phone call?”
“Can you remember to bring that paperwork downstairs?”
Nothing dramatic. Nothing unreasonable. Yet before I had even thought about my answer, I could feel something tighten inside me. A subtle resistance. A feeling of being pushed. Sometimes irritation would rise. Occasionally resentment. At times I would find myself avoiding the very thing I had intended to do.
For years I thought this was a flaw in my character.
It wasn’t.
What I understand now is that my nervous system was reacting long before my conscious mind had caught up.
That insight changed the way I understood not only myself, but also the many couples who have sat in my consulting room over the years.
Most couples arrive believing they have a communication problem. They tell me they keep having the same argument. They have discussed it repeatedly. They have tried explaining themselves more clearly. They have promised to do better. Yet somehow they find themselves back in exactly the same place, hurt, frustrated and bewildered.
The subject matter changes. One week it is household chores. The next it is money, intimacy, forgotten promises or family commitments.
Yet beneath the changing details, the emotional experience remains remarkably similar.
One partner feels unheard.
The other feels criticised.
One feels neglected.
The other feels overwhelmed.
And both are left wondering why such a small issue created such a large reaction.
What I have come to see is that these arguments are rarely about the thing being argued about.
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The dishes are not about the dishes.
The text message is not about the text message.
The late arrival is not about the late arrival.
Very often we are witnessing two nervous systems trying to protect themselves at exactly the same moment.
One partner may experience a forgotten task as evidence that they do not matter. The other may experience the reminder as pressure, criticism or one more demand in a day already filled with overwhelm.
Neither person is trying to hurt the other.
Neither is wrong.
They are simply experiencing the same moment through entirely different internal worlds.
This becomes especially important in neurodivergent relationships.
Many autistic and ADHD adults have spent years adapting themselves to fit into environments that never quite fitted them. They have learned to suppress overwhelm, push through exhaustion, hide confusion and ignore their own needs. They have become experts at appearing fine.
But relationships have a way of exposing what has been hidden.
Over time the effort of constantly adapting becomes exhausting. The nervous system grows tired. The mask begins to slip. Sensitivities become more visible. Needs become harder to ignore.
And suddenly a forgotten request, a change of plan or an innocent question can carry far more emotional weight than either partner realises.
What looks like stubbornness may be overwhelm.
What looks like withdrawal may be self-protection.
What looks like criticism may actually be a bid for reassurance and connection.
The moment we begin to see this, something softens.
We stop asking who is right and who is wrong.
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Instead we become curious.
What is happening inside my partner right now?
What is happening inside me?
What is this reaction trying to tell us?
Those questions open a very different conversation.
The goal of a relationship is not to make two nervous systems identical. It is to learn the language each nervous system speaks and to become increasingly fluent in the translation.
When couples begin to understand what lies beneath the argument, they often discover that the conflict itself was never the real problem.
The real challenge was that neither of them yet knew how to hear what the other was trying to say.
For more support and guidance as a neurodivergent couple, read my book Navigating Love Relationships and ADHD today!