When Sobriety Isn’t Enough: Choosing Recovery for Yourself
The Subtle Saboteur: When Hope Becomes a Trap
We all know an old saying: “Hope springs eternal.”
And yes, it can be a beautiful thing. Hope keeps us alive through the dark nights. It gives us something to hold on to when everything else feels lost.
But here’s the truth, most people don’t talk about: Hope can also keep us stuck.
I’ve worked with hundreds of women who delayed their healing because they were “hoping” their partner would change. They postponed their boundaries, ignored red flags, forgave too soon, or returned too quickly—all in the name of hope.
This kind of hope becomes a spiritual bypass—a way to avoid facing the painful truth. It masquerades as loyalty or love, but underneath it, it’s fear—fear of being alone, fear of starting again, fear of confronting the void that was never filled—not even before this relationship began.
And that’s why we need to distinguish between hope and faith.
Faith Is Grounded. Hope Can Float.
Faith is solid. Faith is action-oriented.
>Faith says: Even if I don’t know how, I trust that I will be okay. I will take one step forward today.
Hope, on the other hand, can become passive. It waits. It whispers, Maybe they’ll change and it lulls us into inaction, like a drug, just like their drinking once did.
Faith motivates you to rise and attend a meeting.
Hope has you scrolling and anticipating a message.
Recovery requires faith—not just faith in your partner’s potential but faith in your own ability to rebuild your life, reclaim your peace, and receive love in a healthy way, whether or not your partner is truly recovering.
When Sobriety Looks Like a “Dry Drunk”
One of the most confusing things for partners is this:
“He’s not drinking anymore, but nothing has really changed.”
Welcome to the concept of the Dry Drunk—a term coined in the recovery world to describe someone who has stopped using alcohol but hasn’t done the inner work of healing.
The Dry Drunk is:
- Blaming others for their problems
- Emotionally unavailable or unpredictable
- Still controlling, angry, or dismissive
- Resistant to therapy or support groups
- Reluctant to make amends or repair damage
In essence, the dysfunction continues—it’s just sober now.
And that can be even more maddening, because you no longer have “the drink” to blame. You start wondering if you’re the problem. You’re not. You’re seeing reality.
A person in true recovery is learning to take responsibility, be present, listen, and change. They don’t just apologise—they make amends. They don’t just say they’ve changed—they show it, consistently, over time.
Letting Go: The Most Painful and Powerful Step
For many women in our Rebuild Your Life circle, the real battle isn’t with the partner—it’s with the part of themselves that doesn’t want to let go.
And that makes sense. Letting go isn’t just about this relationship; it often opens a wound that runs much deeper, harking back to childhood when you were neglected, overlooked, or made to feel invisible. Your longing for love, safety, and connection—never fully met—gets projected onto your partner.
Detaching from them, or even leaving them, can feel like abandoning your inner child.
But here’s the healing truth: You’re not abandoning her—you’re finally choosing her.
You are becoming the protector, the mother, the safe place you always needed. That’s what real recovery looks like. And when you do that, everything changes.
Coming Soon: There Is Life Beyond Divorce
If you’ve left—or are thinking about it—you may wonder: What now?
In future blog posts, I’ll explore the messy, beautiful, gut-wrenching, and glorious terrain of what comes after the ending: the life beyond divorce.
We’ll explore:
- The stages of letting go
- The grief that comes in waves
- The inner critic that screams “failure”
- The reawakening of your true self
- And yes, the breath-taking freedom on the other side
Leaving is not the end. It’s a threshold. And crossing it, for many women, is the beginning of their most honest, healed, and liberated chapter.
Your Life Is Worth Recovering – Have Faith
I want to leave you with this:
Recovery is not about fixing them.
>It’s about finding you.
It’s not about becoming the perfect partner or staying loyal to a broken system.
>It’s about choosing to live in truth, no matter how long you stayed in the lie.
You are not selfish for wanting peace.
You’re not weak for walking away.
>>You are not unlovable because someone else couldn’t show up for you.</p>
You are absolutely wor
thy. You are healing. You’re on the path.
And if no one has told you lately, let me say it with all my heart:
You are not alone.
With love, faith, and fierce support,
Grace
Join the conversation in our private Rebuild Your Life Facebook group.
Or, if you’re ready to be guided more deeply, ask about our coaching circle for women reclaiming their lives after toxic love.
Wondering what to read next? Why not try, When Sobriety Looks Like a “Dry Drunk”
or check out my e-book!