Reclaiming Your True Self: A Neurodiverse Person In A Neurotypical World
“It is never too late to be who you might have been.” – George Eliot
When you grow up feeling “different” in a world designed primarily for “typical” ways of thinking, it’s easy to assume you are the flawed one. That was my story, and maybe it’s yours too. You work hard to measure up, only to hear well-meaning teachers, parents, and friends say things like, “Focus!” or “Stop being lazy!” After years of these comments, you may start to believe them. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone and certainly not broken.
In this post, we’ll explore how people with ADHD (and other forms of neurodiversity) often end up taking on negative beliefs about themselves from their environment and what they can do to free themselves from those limiting ideas.
We’ll also examine how misunderstandings about being a neurodiverse person and how ADHD can affect family relationships, sometimes leading to significant rifts or even estrangements and by the end, I hope you’ll feel encouraged, understood, and equipped with practical ideas for reclaiming your authentic, neurodiverse identity.
The Burden of Internalising “Typical” Expectations
Growing Up in Someone Else’s World
Imagine going to a friend’s house and being told you must wear their clothes—even if they’re the wrong size. That’s a bit like living with ADHD in a society built for so-called “neurotypical” brains. You may struggle when teachers expect you to sit still for hours, follow linear instructions, or learn without hands-on engagement. Over time, people often misinterpret these struggles as “laziness,” “lack of willpower,” or “not trying hard enough.” Those labels can stick, shaping how you see yourself long past childhood.
“From a young age, I believed I was always behind everyone else like I had a secret disadvantage I couldn’t explain.” – A late-diagnosed ADHD adult.
How Negative Beliefs Take Root
If you repeatedly hear you’re “disorganised” or “unmotivated,” you may start to think, “Maybe they’re right.” Over time, those beliefs can turn into your inner voice. Psychologists call this “internalising” negative ideas or stigma. Once that happens, it can feel like you’ll never get organised or keep up with tasks. You might even judge yourself more harshly than anyone else ever would.
Key Point: The shame and self-criticism many of us carry isn’t just personal—it’s shaped by a world that doesn’t always understand ADHD or other neurodivergent conditions.
Personal Constructs: How You See Yourself
George Kelly’s “Personal Construct Theory” talks about how we each build mental “lenses” (or personal constructs) to make sense of the world. If your experiences taught you “I’m lazy” or “I’m incompetent,” you’ll likely start filtering everything through that lens. Suddenly, a small mistake at work can become “proof” that you’re just not cut out for success. It’s like wearing glasses with the wrong prescription—you see everything in a skewed way.
The Role of Masking
Many people with ADHD or other neurodiversities learn to hide or “mask” their natural behaviours to seem more typical. For example, you might force yourself to sit still in meetings by tapping your foot under the table or take on more tasks than you can handle to appear “responsible.” Unfortunately, masking can deepen the belief that who you are is unacceptable, reinforcing those negative personal constructs.
The Ripple Effect on Self-Judgment and Judging Others
Turning the Lens on Others
If you believe “disorganisation is a moral failing,” you may start judging other ADHD folks who seem unorganised. Ironically, it’s often the same harsh lens you’ve been using on yourself. This can create friction in neurodiverse communities, where we should support each other.
Family and Relationship Strains
Sometimes, the most painful judgment comes from those we love. Or we turn a critical eye on family members who share our traits. These misunderstandings can accumulate over the years, leading to tense home environments, resentment, and, in some cases, family estrangements. When ADHD is diagnosed late, many adults feel anger or betrayal, wishing someone had helped them sooner.
Why Family Estrangements Happen—And What to Do
Chronic Miscommunication
Families often misinterpret ADHD behaviours—like forgetfulness or constant restlessness—as a lack of respect or caring. If you’re a parent, sibling, or partner of someone with ADHD (or you have ADHD yourself), you might know how quickly minor missteps can explode into enormous fights. Over time, these conflicts can create emotional walls that seem impossible to tear down.
Coping with Emotional Overflow
Emotional regulation is a common challenge in ADHD. This means frustrations might flare up quickly. Other family members might not realise it’s a symptom, not a choice, and label you as “dramatic” or “selfish.” Repeated misunderstandings like this can make people feel they’d be better off staying away from each other, at least temporarily.
Important Note: Estrangement doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It often results from many small failures to understand each other both ways. Recognising ADHD’s role in these patterns is a first step toward healing.
5 Steps Toward Healing and Authentic Expression
Step One: Learn About Your Neurodiversity
Understanding the why behind your behaviours is incredibly freeing. If you forget birthdays or misplacing your keys, it’s not because you’re a “terrible person.” It’s part of a neurodevelopmental difference. Once you realise that, you can find coping strategies—like apps, reminders, or decluttering techniques—to help.
Action Tip: Look up reputable resources on ADHD or your specific neurodiverse condition (webinars, podcasts, books). Then, share them with supportive friends, family, or coworkers to help everyone understand.
Step Two: Challenge Negative Inner Beliefs
Those negative self-concepts—“I’m lazy,” “I’ll never be successful”—didn’t come out of nowhere. But that doesn’t mean they’re true. Therapy approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), or ADHD coaching can help you spot these beliefs and replace them with more balanced, positive ones.
Practical Example: Instead of “I’m lazy,” try rephrasing: “I get overwhelmed when tasks seem too big. I can break them down into smaller chunks to make them manageable.”
Step Three: Embrace Your Strengths
You might have unique gifts like creative problem-solving, quick thinking in a crisis, or the ability to empathise deeply. When you focus on developing these strengths, you see that ADHD also brings gifts—not just challenges.
Reflection: List your natural abilities, such as artistic talents, empathy, and humour. Revisit that list whenever you’re tempted to beat yourself up for a mental reset.
Step Four: Foster Compassionate Communication
Family therapy or open-hearted talks can help everyone shift from blame to understanding. If old resentments surface, try focusing on how ADHD symptoms contributed to misunderstandings rather than pointing fingers. Show the same compassion toward your loved ones that you’re learning to show yourself.
Family Tip: Invite close relatives to a casual chat: “I’ve learned a lot about ADHD and how it affected my life. I’d love to share what I’ve found and hear your thoughts.”
Step Five: Create (and Ask For) Supports
We still live in a world that caters mostly to neurotypical norms. While that might change slowly, you can make the most of the tools and accommodations to thrive. Ask your employer about flexible scheduling or discuss with teachers or professors how you can be set up for success. Set up organisational systems at home—like a family calendar or designated “landing spots” for keys, phones, and wallets.
Note: Using these supports is not cheating or an excuse. It’s levelling the playing field.
Reclaiming Your Authentic Neurodiverse Self
Growing up feeling like a square peg in a round hole can chip away at your self-esteem and warp how you see the world. But rediscovering the truth—that your brain is different, not deficient—can be deeply healing. As you peel back the layers of negative messaging, you’ll find a more confident, creative, and resilient you underneath.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anaïs Nin.
The Courage to Be You
Yes, it takes courage to unlearn years of discouraging labels and criticisms. But the reward is worth it: a sense of wholeness and belonging in your own skin. Honouring the pace, style, and rhythm your brain naturally prefers gives you more ease, joy, and genuine self-expression in everything you do.
Putting It All into Practice
- Self-Kindness
Permit yourself to be imperfect. Recognise the difference between needing structure or tools and moral “improvement.” - Explore ADHD-Friendly Techniques
Experiment with time-blocking apps, ADHD planners, or bullet journaling. Find a system that feels natural and helps offload working memory tasks. - Build a Support Network
You can join a local or online ADHD/neurodiversity group, connect with friends who “get it,” or even seek an ADHD coach. - Set Boundaries & Communicate
If family members refuse to learn about your condition, it might be healthiest to step back for a while. Keep doors open for future discussions, but protect your mental well-being first. - Celebrate Wins—Big and Small
Did you finish that project? Show up on time for a get-together? Get a week’s worth of tasks done without burning out? Acknowledge it! Positive reinforcement fuels momentum.
Final Word
Your neurodivergent mind is both a challenge and a gift, and so instead of seeing your differences as flaws, try seeing them as unique traits with special insights, talents, and quirks. Life might require more creativity and structure, but the rewards—authentic self-expression, less shame, and stronger relationships—are immeasurable.
Remember: You deserve to live in alignment with who you are, free from the outdated notion that you should fit into someone else’s “normal.” The world is richer for having diverse minds and varied perspectives. Embrace yours. You’re not broken—you’re beautifully, wonderfully, and powerfully you.
Written with care by Grace Chatting.
Enjoyed this blog? Why not read The 4 Stages of the ADHD Relationship Dynamic: Understanding the Rollercoaster and How to Navigate It next?
Or perhaps, How Post-Traumatic Growth Can Help You Rebuild Your Life?