The Four Steps to Forgiveness: A Radical Approach to Healing and Spiritual Growth
Forgiveness is a deeply personal and spiritual issue that, when withheld, becomes a barrier to emotional, psychological, and even physical well-being. Many people resist forgiveness because they consider it condoning wrongdoing or letting someone off the hook. However, as Colin Tipping teaches in Radical Forgiveness, true forgiveness is not about excusing harm or invalidating pain—it is about liberation.
Unforgiveness is like carrying a heavy burden, weighing us down with resentment, bitterness, and pain. It keeps us tethered to past wounds, preventing our growth and evolution. The spiritual implications are profound: “What is bound on Earth shall be bound in Heaven” (Matthew 18:18). The grudges we refuse to release don’t just affect us here; they impact our soul’s journey.
Why Unforgiveness is So Destructive
Holding onto hurt, anger, and resentment poisons relationships—especially in families and intimate partnerships. I’ve worked with many couples where unresolved resentments festered beneath the surface, eating away at their bond like termites in wood. Anger becomes a wall, preventing connection, intimacy, and trust. Parents and adult children find themselves estranged, each blaming the other, locked in cycles of pain that span generations.
Gabor Maté speaks of how repressed emotions manifest as illness, stating:
“When emotions are repressed, this inhibition disarms the body’s defences against illness.” (When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress)
Unforgiveness is one of the most potent emotional toxins we can carry. It keeps the nervous system in a state of chronic stress, fuelling anxiety, depression, and even physical disease.
Colin Tipping’s approach to forgiveness goes beyond traditional models by incorporating radical acceptance, energy shifts, and spiritual awakening. His Four Steps to Forgiveness provide a structured way to release pain and enter a place of healing.
The Four Steps to Forgiveness
Step 1: Tell the Story – Acknowledge What Happened
The first step in Tipping’s model is to fully express what happened—without filtering, rationalising, or suppressing emotions. We must tell the story as we experience it, naming our pain and allowing ourselves to feel it.
This is not about staying stuck in victimhood but about giving voice to the emotions we have been carrying. Suppressed pain does not disappear; it festers in the unconscious, sabotaging our lives. John Bradshaw, in Healing the Shame That Binds You, emphasises:
“You cannot heal what you do not acknowledge.”
Many people avoid this step, fearing the flood of emotions that may arise. But healing begins with honest recognition. Journaling, talking to a trusted person, or working with a therapist can be powerful tools here.
Step 2: Feel the Feelings – Fully Experience the Emotions
Once the story is told, we must allow ourselves to feel the emotions associated with it fully. Anger, grief, betrayal, sadness—whatever arises, we must let it move through us rather than suppress it.
Tipping encourages us to recognise these emotions as energy that needs to be released rather than repressed. This aligns with somatic approaches to healing, such as the work of Peter Levine, who states:
“Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” (Waking the Tiger)
Suppressing emotions keeps them trapped in the body, manifesting as chronic pain, autoimmune issues, and emotional numbness. Feeling them—without attachment or judgment—frees us from their grip.
Step 3: Reframe the Story – See the Higher Perspective
This step is what makes Radical Forgiveness so transformative. Instead of seeing ourselves solely as victims, we shift to a higher perspective that acknowledges that, at some level, everything happens for our growth.
Tipping teaches that all experiences—harrowing ones—carry spiritual lessons. This doesn’t mean the harm was “right” or that we should have suffered, but within the wound lies an opportunity for deep healing and awakening.
This perspective echoes the teachings of Viktor Frankl, who wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning:
“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
Reframing the story does not minimise pain—it transmutes it into wisdom. We move from seeing life as something that happens to us, to recognising that it happens for us.
Step 4: Integrate and Release – Let Go and Move Forward
The final step is consciously releasing the attachment to the old story and entering freedom. We no longer carry the pain, not because the other person “deserves” forgiveness, but because we deserve peace.
This step often requires ritual, affirmation, or symbolic action—such as writing a letter (that you may never send), speaking words of release, or engaging in meditation or breathwork.
Desmond Tutu, in The Book of Forgiving, reminds us:
“Forgiveness is not weakness; it requires great courage. It is not forgetting; it is remembering and choosing to release.”
By releasing the burden, we free ourselves and our relationships. Imagine the ripple effect if couples, families, and entire communities practised this form of forgiveness. How much suffering could be transmuted into love?
Final Thoughts: A Spiritual Call to Forgiveness
If you have been struggling with unforgiveness, I invite you to try Colin Tipping’s Four Steps. Begin with something small if needed. As you work through these steps, you will feel a lightness of being—the lifting of an unseen weight.
Forgiveness is not a gift to the offender; it is a gift to yourself. As A Course in Miracles states:
“Forgiveness is the key to happiness.”
We cannot move forward in personal or spiritual development while clinging to the chains of the past. Let us unbind ourselves so that we may rise—lighter, freer, and ready to reach our highest potential.
Are you ready to forgive?
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