Red Flags to watch out for in relationships

Red Flags to Watch Out For In Relationships

Relationships are one of the most fulfilling aspects of life, but they can also be challenging when certain warning signs—commonly called red flags—are overlooked. These red flags often signal deeper issues that may hinder a relationship’s ability to grow healthily. Drawing insights from best-selling relationship books such as Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, we’ll explore the most common red flags and why recognising them is essential for long-term happiness.

  1. Lack of Respect and Consideration

Respect is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. As Lundy Bancroft emphasises in Why Does He Do That?, a lack of respect can show up subtly or overtly, from dismissive behaviour to outright contempt. Watch out for partners who:

  • Interrupt or talk over you consistently.
  • Dismiss your opinions or feelings as unimportant.
  • Display an unwillingness to compromise or meet you halfway.

This behaviour often signals an imbalance of power and a lack of emotional safety, which can lead to long-term dissatisfaction and even emotional abuse.

  1. Poor Communication Skills

In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman highlights the importance of effective communication in understanding and meeting each other’s needs. A red flag in this area includes a partner who:

  • Refuses to talk about emotions or avoids difficult conversations.
  • Resorts to yelling, name-calling, or stonewalling during conflicts.
  • Frequently blames others without taking personal responsibility.

Poor communication prevents disputes from being resolved constructively, often leading to resentment and disconnection.

  1. Inconsistent Behaviour

As Amir Levine and Rachel Heller discuss in Attached, inconsistency in a partner’s words and actions can indicate an insecure attachment style. This might look like:

  • Expressing affection one day and becoming distant the next.
  • Making promises but failing to follow through.
  • Sending mixed signals about commitment.

Inconsistency can leave you feeling emotionally unstable and questioning the relationship’s future.

  1. Controlling or Manipulative Tendencies

Controlling behaviour is a significant red flag often rooted in insecurity or a need for power. In Why Does He Do That? Bancroft outlines how manipulation can take many forms:

  • Monitoring your activities, such as checking your phone or questioning where you’ve been.
  • Isolating you from friends or family under the guise of “protecting” you.
  • Using guilt, fear, or ultimatums to get their way.

Such behaviour often escalates over time, making it harder to leave the relationship.

  1. Lack of Accountability

Accountability is critical for personal growth and relational harmony. Red flags arise when partners consistently avoid owning their mistakes or deflect blame. Common signs include:

  • Making excuses for bad behaviour instead of apologising.
  • Turning the blame on you or others during disagreements.
  • Refusing to take steps to improve when issues are identified.

A lack of accountability can indicate immaturity or an unwillingness to grow, which are detrimental to a partnership.

  1. Emotional Unavailability

An emotionally unavailable partner can leave you feeling lonely, even when you’re physically together. This red flag, discussed in Attached, is characterised by:

  • Reluctance to discuss their feelings or share personal experiences.
  • Avoidance of intimacy, both emotional and physical.
  • An inability to support you during difficult times.

Emotional unavailability often stems from past trauma or unresolved issues, which can make it challenging to build a deep, connected relationship.

  1. Excessive Jealousy

While mild jealousy is natural in relationships, excessive jealousy is a significant red flag. This behaviour can manifest as:

  • Overreacting to innocent interactions with others.
  • Constantly accusing you of being unfaithful.
  • Making you feel guilty for spending time with friends or colleagues.

Excessive jealousy often reflects deep insecurities and can lead to controlling or abusive behaviour.

  1. Lack of Alignment in Core Values

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, aligning on fundamental values is key to a successful relationship. A lack of alignment can show up in:

  • Significant differences in life goals, such as having children or career priorities.
  • Conflicting beliefs about finances, religion, or lifestyle choices.
  • Dismissing or devaluing your values and dreams.

While differences can be navigated, a lack of mutual respect for core values often leads to long-term friction.

  1. History of Dishonesty

Trust is foundational to any relationship, and dishonesty erodes it quickly. Red flags include:

  • Lying about small or significant things.
  • Omitting important information.
  • Being overly secretive about their past or present.

Dishonesty often points to deeper integrity issues, making building trust and emotional safety impossible.

  1. An Overly Negative Outlook

In The Five Love Languages, Chapman underscores the importance of positivity and affirmation in sustaining a loving relationship. A partner with a consistently negative outlook might:

  • Criticise you or others excessively.
  • Dwell on problems without seeking solutions.
  • Drain your emotional energy with constant pessimism.

While occasional negativity is usual, a persistently negative partner can create an unhealthy dynamic, making it hard to feel optimistic about the future.

Final Thoughts

Recognising red flags is not about being overly critical or judgmental. It is about protecting one’s emotional well-being and ensuring that one’s relationships are built on a solid foundation of trust, respect, and mutual understanding.

As the authors of these best-selling books remind us, a healthy relationship requires effort, communication, and a willingness to grow together. If you spot red flags, assess whether they are isolated incidents or part of a larger pattern. Addressing these issues early on—or walking away if necessary—can save you from significant pain and pave the way for a healthier, more fulfilling connection in the future.

 

💚Have you read my blog about the Green Flags in relationships? You can read it here

Interested in learning about how your attachment styles could be impacting on your relationship? Watch my video on YouTube