Creating Secure Attachment in Your Relationship: A Step-by-Step Guide
For couples struggling with differing attachment styles, intentionally creating secure attachment is both a challenging and rewarding journey. Secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganised attachment styles develop in early life but are not fixed; they can be reshaped through conscious effort, communication, and emotional safety.
Here’s a structured, step-by-step guide to help you and your partner foster a secure bond, with preparatory work and ways to support each other.
Step 1: Understanding Your Attachment Styles
Before making changes, both partners need to recognise their attachment patterns. This involves:
- Taking an Attachment Style Quiz – Identifying whether you are secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganised.
- Reflecting on Past Experiences – Exploring how childhood relationships with caregivers shaped your adult emotional responses.
- Discussing Patterns Openly – Discuss how each person reacts to closeness, conflict, and independence.
Support Tip: Approach this with curiosity rather than blame. Acknowledge that attachment patterns are survival mechanisms learned in childhood.
Step 2: Cultivating Self-Awareness and Emotional Regulation
To create a secure attachment, both partners must learn to manage their own emotions effectively.
- Practising Mindfulness and Self-Regulation Techniques – Using deep breathing, EFT tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique), or grounding exercises to manage stress responses.
- Understanding Emotional Triggers – Identifying situations that evoke past wounds, leading to anxious clinginess or avoidant withdrawal.
- Journaling About Emotional Responses – Writing about emotions to increase awareness and self-regulation.
Support Tip: If one partner has ADHD or struggles with emotional regulation, creating predictable routines and externalising reminders can help build a sense of safety.
Step 3: Creating a Secure Base Through Consistency and Safety
- Building Predictability – Consistency in words and actions fosters safety.
- Checking in Daily – Using a tool like Virginia Satir’s Daily Temperature Reading to express appreciation, concerns, and hopes.
- Developing Rituals of Connection – Morning coffee, bedtime talks, or weekly date nights strengthen emotional bonds.
Support Tip: If one partner has an anxious attachment style, reassuring texts or regular verbal affirmations can be soothing. If the other partner is avoidant, allowing space while ensuring reliability creates trust.
Step 4: Strengthening Communication and Repair Strategies
- Using the DESC Model (Describe, Express, Specify, Consequences) – A structured way to express needs without blame.
- Practising Active Listening – Repeating back what the partner says to ensure clarity.
- Repairing After Conflict – Use phrases like “I see where you’re coming from” or “I care about this relationship; let’s find a way forward.”
Support Tip: Couples can use The Gottman Institute’s ‘Turning Toward’ strategy—acknowledging and responding positively to bids for connection.
Step 5: Co-Regulation and Co-Support Strategies
- Holding Space for Each Other’s Feelings – Validating emotions rather than fixing or dismissing them.
- Practicing Touch-Based Soothing – If both are comfortable, non-sexual physical touch like holding hands or hugging can reinforce security.
- Developing a “Safe Word” for Emotional Overwhelm – Agreeing on a word that signals a need to pause a conversation before it escalates.
Support Tip: Avoidant partners may need reassurance that they can take space without fear of abandonment. Anxious partners benefit from knowing they are emotionally held even when space is needed.
Step 6: Redefining Independence and Togetherness
- Balancing Individual and Shared Growth – Maintaining separate hobbies and friendships while fostering deep intimacy.
- Encouraging Each Other’s Aspirations – Supporting personal growth enhances security rather than threatens it.
- Celebrating Milestones Together – Recognising progress in the relationship builds mutual appreciation.
Support Tip: Secure attachment isn’t about constant closeness; it’s about feeling safe, whether together or apart.
Step 7: Seeking Additional Support When Needed
- Therapy and Coaching – Individual or couples therapy can provide deeper insights and strategies.
- Books and Resources – Reading Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, or Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, offers guidance.
- Support Groups – Engaging with communities that understand attachment struggles (especially for ADHD or trauma-related difficulties).
Support Tip: Therapy can be beneficial for couples where ADHD, trauma, or relational wounds complicate attachment repair.
Conclusion: The Secure Attachment Journey
Fostering a secure attachment style in your relationship requires patience, intention, and mutual effort. By understanding each other’s attachment needs, building safety through consistency, improving communication, and practising co-regulation, couples can transform their bond into one of trust, security, and deep connection.
Start small, support each other, and remember: change is possible at any stage of life and love. 💙
🫂If you would like to join a group full of like-minded individuals, why not join my free Facebook community ‘Rebuild Your Life’?
📕For more advice on attachment styles, read my blog ‘Understanding Attachment Styles and their Impact on Couple Relationships‘