Out of sight, out of mind - object permanence

“Out of Sight, Out of Mind?” — Understanding Object Permanence and ADHD in Daily Life and Relationships

/ ADHD, Autism / By

 “Out of Sight, Out of Mind?” — Understanding Object Permanence and ADHD in Daily Life and Relationships

Have you ever forgotten about something or someone the moment they left your line of sight? Maybe you completely overlooked an unpaid bill buried under a stack of papers or forgot a close friend’s birthday because they weren’t actively in your social feed. If you live with ADHD, this isn’t about being careless. It’s often a reflection of object permanence — or rather, a lack of it.

What Is Object Permanence?

Object permanence comes from developmental psychology and refers to the understanding that objects (and people) continue to exist even when you can’t see or hear them. Most children develop this skill by age 2. For example, when you hide a toy under a blanket, a baby who has developed object permanence will look for it, knowing it’s still there.

But here’s the kicker: many adults with ADHD struggle with a type of “functional object permanence” — not because they didn’t develop it, but because their brain wiring affects how they hold non-immediate things in working memory.

ADHD and Object Permanence: Why It Happens

People with ADHD often struggle with working memory, one of the key executive functions of the brain. Working memory is the ability to temporarily hold and manipulate information. When something isn’t physically present or emotionally stimulating, it may fade from immediate awareness.

This isn’t laziness or indifference — it’s neurological.

It doesn’t just apply to physical items — it affects:

  • Tasks
  • Plans
  • People
  • Feelings
  • Goals

For ADHD brains, the phrase “out of sight, out of mind” can feel painfully true.

Everyday Examples of Poor Object Permanence in ADHD

If you’re living with ADHD, these scenarios might feel familiar:

  1. Misplacing Items: If you don’t see your keys or medication, you may forget they exist—until you’re already late.
  2. Friendships and Relationships: You care deeply about people, but if they’re not present in your environment, you may forget to check in, causing hurt or misunderstandings.
  3. Work Projects: You start with energy and intention, but lose track if it’s not front-and-centre in your workspace or task list.
  4. Bills and Deadlines: Even urgent tasks can vanish from your awareness if they’re not physically in your sight.

How It Affects Relationships

Poor object permanence in adults with ADHD can look like:

  • “Ghosting” friends or family without meaning to
  • Forgetting to follow up or return messages
  • Seeming to ignore shared responsibilities in romantic partnerships
  • Overlooking someone’s emotional needs when they’re not explicitly voiced

To others, it may look like you’re disinterested or unreliable, when in fact, you’re dealing with ADHD memory challenges that make it hard to keep people or priorities in mind without external cues.

This dynamic can create emotional distance in romantic relationships. Your partner might say:

“You forget I exist when I’m not right there with you.”
“I only feel important when I remind you I’m upset.”

These are not signs you don’t care — but they’re signs of how ADHD can impact communication and emotional connection.

What You Can Do About It

If you’re nodding your head, take heart. There are ADHD-friendly systems and strategies that support object permanence and improve everyday functioning:

  1. Externalise Your Memory
  • Use Visual Cues: Keep reminders, photos, colour-coded calendars, and sticky notes visible and central.
  • Transparent Storage: Use clear bins and open shelving to avoid forgetting what you own.
  • Whiteboards and Reminder Boards: List key tasks, events, or people you want to stay connected with.
  1. Time-Based Systems
  • Timers and Alarms: Set recurring alarms for meds, check-ins, and deadlines.
  • Calendar Blocks: Schedule short bursts of “connection time” to reach out to loved ones.
  • Task Apps: Use ADHD-friendly tools like Todoist, TickTick, or Notion to prompt your memory.
  1. Anchor Habits

Link new behaviours to existing routines to increase consistency:

  • Take your meds when you make coffee.
  • Review your calendar while brushing your teeth.
  • Call a friend during your afternoon walk.

These habit chains tap into muscle memory instead of relying on working memory.

  1. Relationship Agreements

Open communication is powerful. You might say:

“Sometimes I forget things and people I care about when they’re not in front of me. Can we build in systems or reminders so I can show up better?”

Co-create systems that help you stay connected without guilt or shame.

  1. Self-Compassion

Your brain isn’t broken — it’s just different. Trying harder doesn’t always work, but trying differently can. Tools, compassion, and community make a huge difference.

Final Thoughts

If you live with ADHD, object permanence challenges can impact how you relate to your environment, your responsibilities, and the people you love. But once you understand what’s happening neurologically, you can stop blaming yourself and start building external systems that make life easier.

You’re not forgetful on purpose. You’re not uncaring.
You’re navigating a brain that needs support, not shame.

💡 Remember:

The goal isn’t to remember everything. It’s to build a structure that keeps what’s important in view, so it doesn’t slip through the cracks.

Download your free ADHD Object Permanence Checklist here!

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Interested in learning more about ADHD? Check out my e-books available right now in my shop

My book on Navigating Love Relationships with ADHD may be useful